


I lost hope but I still had you.

by fxlminare



Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [36]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellamy Blake Imagine, Bellamy Blake Insert, Bellamy Blake Season 5, Bellamy Blake fanfiction, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Hallucinations, Oneiric, POV Bellamy Blake, Praimfaya | Radiation Wave, Reader Insert, The 100 (TV) Season 4, The 100 (TV) Season 5, Worried Bellamy Blake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:42:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22907203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxlminare/pseuds/fxlminare
Summary: "oneiric imagine where Reader is on Earth after Praimfaya & she is dealing with radiation sickness & 'losing' Bellamy & she is in this weird mental state where she is talking to him in reality, dreams about him & loses her mind & Clarke has no idea how to help her. When he is back he tries to help her with some intimate (not smut but very close physically & emotionally) scene."
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Reader
Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [36]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110968
Kudos: 10





	I lost hope but I still had you.

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** yes, I'm, in fact, still kicking, if anyone cares to know. So how's this for a comeback.

**CLARKE'S POV**

I grabbed Y/N's hand not to lose her as we started running back to the lab; maybe, if we got there, we'd survive this. Maybe I would. I had to make Y/N a Nightblood as soon as we set foot in there. The wave hit us just as the lab doors closed behind us, feeling the burn in my skin as Y/N dropped to the floor, spatting blood inside her helmet; she'd die if I didn't act quickly.

I'm not even sure how we got to the table, how I got out of my suit or how I managed to get marrow from myself without passing out, injecting Y/N all I had managed to take from myself, getting us both to an isolated room to try to overcome the worst of the wave. I didn't know if it'd work but it was all I could do for her. I prayed to whoever was listening to keep her with me, to keep her alive. She laid on the ground, bleeding through her eyes, ears, and nose, burned skin wherever the radiation hat hit her suit and destroyed it. _Water._ I needed water. It'd hurt, but I had to clean the burns. It'd be a long day.

**\------------------**

Ten days had passed. Agony. Lab filled with screams. Y/N's screams. But she fought through it, her body fought through it all. She was a Nightblood and was finally starting to recover, just like I had a couple of days prior; I assumed it had to do with the fact that her body was exposed to more radiation than mine in terms of her still not being a Nightblood when the wave hit us. But Y/N was alright, her body was healing and I knew she'd be on her feet in a couple more days. The lab had plenty of food to last us around two more months, which gave me peace of mind for the time being. We'd figure the rest out later.

\- "Why aren't I dead?" -she mumbled as I placed a wet cloth on her head.

\- "Your body accepted my marrow. You're a Nightblood now."

\- "That doesn't explain why I am alive." -she started coughing, so I helped her on her side, seeing the blood coming out of her mouth, black- "Bellamy's gone. He may never be back."

\- "They will."

\- "5 years."

\- "They'll come back." -I squeezed her hand- "He'll come back to you."

\- "If he's alive." -she closed her eyes again- "If I'm alive."

She went back to sleep. I knew the radiation wouldn't kill her, I knew we'd overcome this like Luna had but what scared me the most now was how she was speaking about life and death. I had to pull her out of it before she got into that dark vicious cycle I knew I would never manage to get her out of.

**\-----------**

**YOUR POV**

I hated this place. I hated Earth. I hated that I had survived the wave. I hated that I had stayed behind. I hated that there was nothing here for us. I hated that I had lost the only person I wanted to stay with me. I hated that he was gone. I hated that I didn't know if he was alive.

\- "Y/N? Ready?"

I knew Clarke meant well. I knew she had saved my life but, sometimes, I wished she had just... let me die; let nature take its course. I turned around, seeing her at the door of my room in the lab. I hated this place, it made me sick; I was ready to leave but... where?

\- "To die? Certainly."

\- "Y/N..."

Clarke's eyes were apologetic as her words died in her lips for I knew she knew there was nothing she could say to make me feel better. I grabbed my backpack and walked out, hearing her footsteps after me.

\- "Did you catch some sleep?"

\- "No. I keep seeing Bellamy."

\- "Dream?"

\- "Nightmare."

Clarke didn't need me to go into detail, she knew all about my nights, unable to sleep so I wandered around the lab, hoping something would completely knock me out for a couple of hours, never finding anything. I hated seeing Bellamy clear as day as if he was in front of me but, the worse part was that, no matter the setting for the dream, he always died. Every single time. And I couldn't do anything about it; couldn't run, couldn't hold him, couldn't shoot, couldn't scream. Nothing.

\- "I'm sure it'll get better." -Clarke's voice was steady as we finally got out of the lab; I was ready to never come back there- "Time heals."

\- "And, if it doesn't, it'll kill me."

**\----------------------**

**SIX MONTH** **S LATER**

The valley was too quiet for me. It was only us and I hated it. Sure, it gave us food and water and the village we found had everything we could ever ask for. That was a lie; there was still one thing it couldn't give me: my life back. I was aware I was losing it, myself, my clarity, my mental stability, but I was also painfully aware there was a part of me that was craving for me to give in, to let go, to just... find a better reality. Clarke had warned me about it, saying she had experienced it when everything that happened with Finn went down; she asked me to let her know if I ever saw Bellamy and I had tried to soothe her worries, saying that was not going to happen to me. But I was lying; I had been seeing him since I woke up from the radiation poisoning, maybe a little after that, I had lost track of time.

In the beginning, it was like he wasn't really there: a shadow, a reflection on a metallic surface, the feeling of eyes on my back, of a hand resting on my shoulder. Like he was barely there. Smoke and mirrors. But it got worse: I started seeing him clear as day, same expression he had when I left with Clarke: unmoving, untouchable; standing on a corner or at the end of my bed as I woke up from a nightmare, giving me a heart attack the first few times but growing used to it the more it happened. Almost second nature, like he was part of the room. And now? Now I could see him walking around, turning his face to look at me, moving his lips but still too far to hear him. It worried me for I knew that meant my mental health was worsening but, at the same time, it was too familiar to scare me.

\- "Y/N?" -Clarke placed her hand on my arm- "You okay?"

I nodded, but I had my eyes still focused on the door in front of us: open, revealing Bellamy walking through. I took a step back out of instinct but, as his eyes landed on me and a smile took over his lips as he moved up to us I realized I was too far gone. It was too late for me, but I didn't find it in me to care; he was here, he was home and, if I had to lose myself to be with him, I'd give it all up. I smiled, taking a step forward.

\- "He's here."

**\--------------------------**

**SIX YEARS AND 5 DAYS LATER**

I truly liked the valley and I really enjoyed spending time with Clarke and Madi but I liked my alone time, especially when Bellamy showed around. It wasn't every day but he was most of the time with me, when he wasn't on patrol, or traveling the area to go hunting. We had found a little house an hour away from the main village in the valley, and Bellamy and I had decided to move in after we did some reparations to it, for it had some things that needed urgent fixing after the radiation and time passed. Clarke didn't like it at first but after some promises on my part and once I showed her the place, she finally agreed. That made me happy. It was everything I wanted: a small house surrounded by beautiful, magnificent trees that rose to the sky like a protecting wall around me, never alone for the birds seemed to enjoy that part of the valley, the soothing sound of a near waterfall making it all seem so ethereal. It was enough for me. For us.

\- "So?" -I heard Bellamy's voice calling after me from the door- "You'll be okay?"

\- "You're just leaving for a couple of hours." -I chuckled walking up to him- "You've been gone for longer periods of time and I've been just fine."

\- "Still." -his hand caressed my skin softer than the breeze, moving my hair back- "I worry about you. I wish I could be with you all the time."

\- "Well, that's just an incentive for you to come back sooner." -I smiled- "Be careful."

\- "I love you."

\- "I love you too."

His lips on my forehead for a second and, the next, he was gone. I took in a deep breath, feeling the warmth in my heart like I had always felt when he was around. I considered myself the luckiest person on Earth for having found him, for having managed to stick together after all this time.

I was used to being alone; it didn't bother me for I knew he'd always come back to me. I had learned to embrace my time alone, using it to mess around with whatever I felt like doing, not that Bellamy would ever say anything against it when he was around but I tried to just spend time with him when he was with me; not doing anything else, just enjoying his presence for as long as I could. I knew he had to go from time to time; he had been leaving for patrol more than usual lately, saying he could feel something about to happen and, even if I had no idea what he meant, I trusted him.

I walked around the house, doing the little things that needed to be sorted out or put into place; it was a calm routine and I wouldn't change it for the world. I ended up in the kitchen, looking out of the window, deciding I should go to the well to get some water in the house before I landed eyes on my latest baking attempt. I smiled to myself, grabbing the bucket next to the door and heading outside; I loved this place, I loved the valley that had given me so much. I finally had a place to call home.

I poured myself a glass of cold water as I got back in the kitchen, knowing it was as much of a good time to check how my last batch of bread had turned out as it'd get. I uncovered it, taking a knife and cutting it in half to see how the middle had cooked. Pretty nice. I cut a small piece and took a bite, nodding to myself as I realized this was, in fact, the best one yet.

\- "Morning, Y/N!" -Madi's cheery voice caught me by surprise, walking out of the door to see her running in through the path Bellamy and I had cleared once we moved into the house with a basket in her hands- "I bring food!"

\- "I wasn't expecting you today." -I chuckled, walking up to her- "I think I've managed to perfect my bread recipe."

\- "Could I get some?" -she looked up at me with big eyes, leaving the basket on the table outside.

\- "I want some too!" -Clarke's voice made me look at the path again, finally seeing her with a smile on her face- "Surprise!"

\- "Then, my friend, you are just in time." -I hugged her as she eyed me up and down- "I'm fine, what could possibly happen to me out here?"

\- "You never know."

\- "It's not like I can't defend myself, or like there's more people down here. Besides, Bellamy will be back around dinner time, so you have nothing to worry about."

She nodded, walking into my house, already knowing where the bread was supposed to be as Madi showed me what they had brought. Sometimes I wished Bellamy would be here more often, for he still hadn't met Madi and I was sure he'd love her. He had always liked kids. They stayed with me all afternoon, catching me up on how their lives were going as I told them about Bellamy's and mine. Madi was always more keen on talking about Bellamy and how he was than Clarke; I still didn't know why she was like that. Maybe she disliked that he left me alone so often, but I didn't mind, I liked being alone too. But I missed him whenever he was gone.

**\---------------**

**CLARKE'S POV**

I knew Y/N was safe from danger in that hidden house, but I still didn't like her living alone so I dropped by there almost daily, even if she didn't see me. I had to take care of her, I owed it to her for everything she had done for me since we met, I owed it to Bellamy for I'd hate to see the pain in his eyes as I broke the news of her death to him; I knew he'd hate me for it and I wouldn't blame him, for I was supposed to take care of her. I had promised that to her when she laid on the floor of the lab as I injected her with my marrow, while I held her hand as she told me she wasn't ready to die.

After we left that night, I prompted Madi to go home, staying back for a couple more minutes, watching Y/N get back in the house. I needed to know if she was getting better, if talking about Bellamy like he was still here was still the norm or something she kept saying out of habit, to make herself feel better. I hoped, one of these days, that habit would die out but I also knew, the only thing that pulled me out of it was getting some closure and I knew she wasn't going to get any of that if the rest didn't come back.

I got my answer quite soon, seeing her looking out of the window, raising her head up to look at the sky with a smile on her face, her lips moving but I was too far to hear her and, for a moment, I thought she might have been talking to herself but that wasn't the case: she moved her face to the side, nodding, chuckling softly and moving her hand as is she were pushing someone away from her. But she was alone, there was no one else in the room beside her. She was seeing Bellamy. She wasn't lying when she said he'd come back that night. He was there, in her mind; after all this time, like he used to be. I couldn't keep watching, it hurt me seeing her like that for, no matter all I had tried, I hadn't managed to get her out of the safe world she had built for herself. I looked up at the sky.

\- "You should have been here a year ago." -I sighed- "Where are you, guys?"

**\---------------------------**

**BELLAMY'S POV**

I had been looking forward to getting back to the ground for well over a year now. I was ashamed to say a part of me was dreading it too, for that'd mean that it'd completely hit me that Y/N was gone because, if I stood up here, I could still play with the idea that, maybe, a miracle had happened and she could have survived Praimfaya. I knew there wasn't a chance that could have happened but I had needed to believe that, to keep moving, to find a reason to still be alive, to fight for my life, especially the first hours after we left Earth.

And now, 2200 days later, there I was, both feet on the ground. It had been a long last 36 hours: finding the prisoners' ship, discovering who they really were as we went to ask them for help, getting back to Earth, finding out Y/N and Clarke were alive and that the latter was a prisoner to the aforementioned real group of prisoners, who were actually trained soldiers, trying to set a truce with them and get them to help us open the bunker and rescuing Clarke. And now, finally, Clarke was guiding me to where she thought Y/N would be.

\- "Okay, so how's Y/N?" -I finally spoke again once we were far from the soldiers- "Why wasn't she with you or Madi?"

\- "She's... going through it."

\- "What is that supposed to mean?" -I eyed her as she guided me through the forest- "Is she okay?"

\- "I'm... I'm not sure." -she came to a stop, facing me completely- "Do you know what oneiric means?"

\- "Something to do with dreaming." -she nodded- "What does that have to do with Y/N?"

\- "Well, after she recovered from the radiation sickness, I thought everything would be alright but, mmm, losing you, not knowing if we'd manage to survive if you'd ever come back... it took a toll on her. I've tried everything but I think the only one that can help her now it's you but I'm... I'm not sure how she's going to react when she sees you."

\- "You're explaining very little of what's really going on and I'm starting to get really worried for her and angry at you."

\- "She's been on, what I'd call, a constant oneiric state." -she looked around us as if trying to find the words to properly explain this to me- "To cope with everything, she's made a world of her own; you remember having an imaginary friend? Maybe Octavia? It's something very common in little kids." -I nodded, understanding what she meant, prompting her to keep going- "Well, Y/N had nightmares at the beginning, she was barely sleeping, then those nightmares turned into dreams that revolved around you and, at some point, dream became reality so, in a way, it's like you never left. Think of it as if you were her imaginary friend, to put it some way. She talks to you every day and, if I'm watching her, it's like you answer her, full-on conversations..." -she sighed- "It's like she's trapped in her mind; I've tried everything I could think of, but I think she's..."

\- "She's lost her mind."

I knew that's what she wanted to say but she was too afraid to put those thoughts into words as silence surrounded us before I spoke. A heavy feeling of guilt settled in my chest mixed with the fright of what this meant: maybe Y/N would never come back to us, to me; maybe the dream had become her reality and nothing would get her out. I had heard about cases like this in the Ark when I was training to be a guard, people that closed themselves completely to the world, making one of their own to cope with trauma. Some never managed to come back. Some did, but were never the same, still afraid of going back to that state of constant dream in which they felt safe. I felt the tears in my eyes as I realized maybe, I had lost Y/N for good but what pained me the most was knowing that she had lost herself long ago and nothing of what Clarke had tried had worked. What could I do? I didn't know anything about this.

\- "You okay?"

\- "I'm terrified." -I ran my hand through my hair- "I'm terrified of seeing her and recognizing her but that she won't recognize who I am after all this time. I know there's a lot going on right now but I don't think I can do anything about it knowing she's... sick, I guess. God, I can't fucking believe I left her behind and now her mental health has deteriorated to a point to which she may never be who she was, who she wanted to be." -I felt the tears in my eyes, both from anger and guilt- "I know it's selfish but I can't do this without her."

\- "I know." -Clarke squeezed my arm- "There's still the possibility of her managing to pull herself out of that once she sees you."

\- "Tell me what I have to do. I'll do anything, Clarke, anything."

She nodded, walking me through everything she thought I could do as we kept moving where Y/N was, a hidden part of the forest in which she had been living on her own, being visited by both Madi and Clarke weekly to make sure she was alright. Or as okay as she could be.

Clarke got as close to where Y/N was supposed to be as she thought convenient, then pointing me in the direction I ought to follow but, truth was, I didn't need directions; it was easy for me to find Y/N for, as soon as I heard her familiar laughter, I could only follow the beautiful sound, my heart jumping inside my chest and a smile on my lips until I remembered what she had been going through. I sighed. _Whoever's listening, help me get her back._ I moved a couple of low branches and I finally landed eyes on her; God, she looked so beautiful, it was almost surreal, surrounded by so much greenery, and fruits, the birds chirping, the calm wind making her hair float around her like she was stuck in time. She kind of was in a way but it was still entrancing to look at her. She took something from a table in front of her as she hummed, she looked so... happy, peaceful; if Clarke hadn't had told me about what was going on inside her head, I'd have run up to her, wrapped my arms around her, spinning her around and crushing my lips with hers like we were both still too teenagers with a crush on each other.

Something reflected the sun next to her, having to cover my eyes for a second before a cloud hid the sunlight again: a gun. What was she doing with a gun? That worried me. Was she in any condition to have one of those around? I took another step, a brach crunching under my feet as I neglected my surroundings, starling her; she turned around with furrowed eyebrows but her features softened as she saw it was me.

\- "Well, now this is new." -Y/N's eyes moved all over my face, studying me- "You didn't have any beard this morning so how in hell did you manage to grow it out in so little time?" -she smiled before turning back to her gun- "I mean, it's a great look but a very unexpected change if you allow me to say so."

\- "Y/N..."

\- "Mmm?"

She didn't even look back; I could clearly tell know what Clarke meant: she thought I was the version of myself she had kept with herself for six years. It surprised me how easily she had accepted and taken in my physical change; I was worried that'd would sparkle something in her mind and she'd lose it.

\- "Look at me, please."

I felt my voice breaking but trying to remain as calm as I could, knowing that startling her would only harm her, so I followed Clarke's instructions: calm and steady voice to try and slowly pull her back to our reality. God, I only wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her close to me, kiss her and tell her how much I missed her and how painful my life without her had been; how sorry I was I left her behind and how I'd do anything for her to forgive me and take me back. But I couldn't do that for, for her, we had been together all this time. She left the gun on the table, turning to face me completely.

\- "Who are you?"

Her question took me completely by surprise; maybe I had triggered something; maybe this had been a bad idea. I tried to think of an answer but it took me too long, her hand moving back to find the gun, pointing it at me; my heart clenched in my chest not only afraid for my life but for hers, for what whatever happened next would do to her.

\- "Answer me!"

\- "It's me, Y/N." -I rose my hands, showing her I was unarmed- "It's me."

\- "No, people don't age years in a matter of hours." -she shook her head- "Who are you. Where's Bellamy?"

I took a deep breath, knowing that trying to be rational would not work; I knew I had to act with her as she had lost her memory, being honest would not do her good at the moment and, before anything, I needed her to lower the gun not to hurt me, or worse, herself.

\- "Who's Bellamy? Tell me about him."

\- "Bellamy is... Bellamy was..." -I could see the struggle behind her eyes, her hands started to shake- "He is my boyfriend. He was with me and then he was gone and I..." -she looked around her- "I have to clean the gun and eat before he's back. He'll be back soon. He promised."

She lowered the gun, turning around and resuming on what she had been doing before I arrived. I sighed relieved that the gun was no longer pointing at me but, still, hearing the way in which she talked about me made my heart drop to my stomach. I slowly moved up to her, standing on the other side of the table, seeing how she had two guns placed, every piece from the first dismantled and placed on the table as she did the same with the second one. That brought a bittersweet memory back up: the first time I taught her how to do it safely; it made me happy knowing she remembered all of that after so long, recognizing the placement of each part on the table as how I always did it myself.

\- "How are you?"

\- "Me?" -she rose her eyes from the trigger- "I'm fine, but I'm hungry." -she chuckled, which forced a smile on my lips- "So I better hurry."

\- "Want me to help?"

\- "You know how to do this?"

I nodded, moving beside her as she offered me the gun to dismantle it and clean it as she started assembling the first one. I found comfort in being by her side again, feeling her eyes on me as I kept working, glancing at her for a moment, finding her eyes glued to my hands.

\- "I've only ever known one person to do this the exact same way I did, with as much ease and care." -she dropped the piece she had in her hands, taking a step back as her eyes found mine- "What's happening."

\- "Y/N..." -I left the gun on the table.

\- "No, no, no!" -she rose her voice- "It makes no sense, I... I don't... it makes no sense." -she moved her hands to her temples- "You were... and I was... but the ship... and then... months? years? He was here. You were here. You are. But you... and him? Am I? No."

She started shaking her head, her mumbling going incomprehensible to me. I panicked, I didn't know what do to, I should have never touched that gun, I should have stuck to words like Clarke told me, but I had been stupid, forgetting about it all as I stood by her side again.

\- "I don't understand!" -she cried- "What's..." -she covered her mouth as she kept moving back and away from me- "Who sent you."

\- "Y/N, love, what's the last thing you remember?"

\- "Clarke and the tower." -she whispered- "The wave reaching us and the ship leaving. You were on that ship." -she locked eyes with mine- "And then so much pain. But then you were here!"

I remembered just at that moment something I had read once, about how people with Alzheimer may not have been able to recognize a loved one perse but it pointed out how the sound of their voice, the touch of their hand or even the recount of something only they could know sometimes got to them, helping them remember. Maybe that could help Y/N, maybe that could help her pull herself out of her mind. It was the only thing I could think of at the minute so I stood in front of her, but not too much, taking a deep breath.

\- "The first time I woke up with you in my arms was the happiest day of my life." -I smiled at the memory; Y/N tilted her head as she looked at me, furrowed eyebrows- "I thought you were still asleep when I told you I was in love with you, too afraid to say it when you were awake."

\- "And three days later I told you I loved you." -her body language completely changed, standing straight in front of me, smile on her lips- "And confessed I had heard you." -she nodded- "You said something else that day when you still thought I was asleep."

I couldn't believe this was working; I couldn't believe the Y/N I loved so much was managing to pull herself out of her refuge, I could still tell the battle behind her eyes, so I knew I had to be as true to what had been said that day as I could. Even if only we could know about it.

\- "I kissed your head and pulled the covers over your bare back, then I moved the hair that had fallen on your face to the side, running my thumb over your cheek as I told you I was going to marry you someday, someday when we were at peace with the world, someday when I wasn't afraid of saying how I feel out loud because I'd know you feel the same, someday when we could leave the war, the blood and the pain behind..."

\- "... and it'll be only us in a house of our own."

We finished my sentence together, seeing the tears running down Y/N's face, watching her shoulders starting to shake as she sobbed, aware of the mental battle she was fighting, knowing she wanted to hug me as she took a step forward but still afraid I was just a dream as she moved back.

\- "So, it's true?" -she eyed me with teary eyes, almost fear in her voice- "I'm not making this up? Please, tell me you're real cause I don't think I can take it anymore."

\- "It's really me, Y/N." -I offered her my hand- "I swear I'm not a product of your mind, love."

\- "You're here. You're real." -she covered her mouth as she sobbed, her voice breaking as she spoke- "I didn't imagine those ships. You're back. I'm not making this up."

\- "I'm back, love." -I nodded, feeling a tear ran too down my face as her fingers brushed over my skin- "I'm with you."

She quickly wrapped her arms around me, crying hard as I held her to me, rubbing her back and kissing her neck as I whispered sweet nothings into her ear. God, I hated myself for having done this to her. Clarke had told me she had gone into her own world, finding consolation in her imagination and in her dreams, in what she hoped could have been but wasn't and I understood, for I had been dreaming and having nightmares about how our life could have been if I had just... waited in the hangar for her.

\- "I'm scared." -her voice was broken in between sobs- "I don't know what's real and what my mind is making up any more."

\- "You just have to ask." -I ran my hand through her hair- "Anything."

\- "How long."

She didn't have to explain, my heart aching as I realized she truly had no clue about how long it had really been. I knew what she meant but I was afraid to answer; however, I knew I had to do it, it was the only way forward.

\- "Six years and 8 days."

She let go of me, falling to the ground, pulling her knees to her chest and covering her face with her hands. I dropped down with her, not sure of what to do now; I didn't want to touch her and trigger something else but, at the same time, I was afraid her mind would start playing tricks again. I knew it was selfish, but I didn't think I could live like that, without her but seeing her every day. I placed my hand carefully over her knee, slowly, watching carefully for her reaction but she didn't pull back, she stayed like that, crying into her hands and shaking her head.

\- "Six years!" -she looked up at the sky- "I've lost six years trapped in my head." -she landed eyes on me- "I've lost six years with you." -she chuckled dryly, going silent for a moment before she cleared her throat, rubbing her face- "It actually explains the beard, I was having a hard time processing that if you couldn't tell."

I couldn't help the smile that took over my lips, seeing her own smile on hers.

\- "Fuck! I could have shot you! I could have killed you!" -panic overtook her voice- "I'm so sorry, I'd never, I swear I..."

\- "Hey, it's okay." -I squeezed her leg- "We're okay."

\- "Did you remember me?"

She eyed me carefully, it pained me that she thought I'd ever forget about her, forget the woman I had fallen for so long ago and that I thought I had left behind to die. I offered her my hand to take; she looked at it as if deciding if this was a good idea or not, finally moving her shaking one and resting it over mine.

\- "I could never forget about you, Y/N." -I locked my eyes with hers- "I've dreamt about you every night, waking up thinking you were asleep next to me, painfully being hit by reality as I opened my eyes and found myself alone in bed."

I watched the tears start running down her cheeks again, her fingers slowly wrapping around my hand, crying harder as I rubbed my thumb over her skin. I desperately wanted to pull her to me.

\- "I know I've been seeing you all this time." -she rubbed her nose- "But I've missed you, so damn much." -she moved her hand so that she could interlace her fingers with mine- "I could see you and talk to you but I couldn't touch you so I knew, deep down, that something was wrong but I was too afraid to figure it out, scared that, if I did, I'd never see you again."

Her eyes were now looking at out hands as she rocked herself back and forth, her thumb rubbing my skin. I wasn't sure how long we stood there, in silence, just making peace with time as she digested everything. I knew she'd have a lot of questions and I was willing to stay there for as long as she needed, the world could wait another six years for all I cared right now.

\- "I'm sorry." -she moved her head from her knees, looking at me- "This was probably not the reunion you hoped for."

\- "It's much better than anything I could have hoped for." -I smiled and she squeezed my hand.

\- "I can still tell when you're lying." -she chuckled, letting go of my hand, rubbing her cheeks- "The version of yourself in my head had all your ticks and voice changes." -she then furrowed her eyebrows- "But it's been six years, I suppose you've changed."

\- "I..."

\- "I suppose I've changed too." -her eyes met mine- "We'll have to get to know each other all over again."

\- "Is that what you want?"

\- "Kind of." -she nodded- "I have a lot of questions and I'm not sure of most things right now."

\- "I have all the time in the world."

\- "There's, however, one thing I've always been sure about. Just one thing I've never doubted."

\- "Can I know what that is?"

\- "The only thing I've never doubted is my feelings for you." -she smiled and I could feel most of my worries washing away- "I lost myself, I lost my friends and my mind, I lost time and I lost hope but, through all of that, I still had you."

The look in her eyes was so pure and so full of love, I had missed feeling so vulnerable under someone's gaze, I had missed how only she had ever managed to make me feel; I thought I had lost her but her memory was always with me and maybe we hadn't been physically together for the past six years but each others' memory kept our love alive, and that was all that mattered right now.

\- "I'd give anything to touch you."

She rose to her knees and tentatively moved up to me. I looked up at her, not wanting to do anything until I knew what she was comfortable with and what she wanted, allowing her to sit on my lap and wrap her arms around me.

\- "Your arms have always made me feel safe. I only want to feel like that from now on."

She rubbed her nose against my neck and I smiled, wrapping my arms around her and resting my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes, enjoying having the woman I loved back with me, safe in my arms as it should have always been. No matter what the future had in store for us, knowing Y/N was alive, safe and so mentally strong already made everything seem so much easier and worth working through if it got me to her; if it got me the future I had craved to have with her since I first landed eyes on her.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Another day goes by as I post and wait for your guys' reactions.** Catch you in the comments? Maybe? _Please?_ 🌻


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